Happy Birthday Ella

September 27, 2007 at 12:34 am (Uncategorized)

 Ella turned four today. She’s our youngest and she’s definitely our little spitfire. She has my strong will; she daily provides challenging moments for us and she’s only four (Lord, have mercy!). Ella also has this really “grateful” heart. It never ceases to amaze me when she, unprompted by an adult or her big sister, reaches up and takes my hand and thanks me for something I’ve done or am doing for her. I’m really glad to be her mom. I’m just sad that time is flying by so quickly and she’s already four.

Ella, this is my birthday prayer for you this year:

Father, Ella is your beloved daughter on whom your favor rests. Through the precious gift of baptism I know that your Holy Spirit lives in my little girl. Sweet Spirit teach her how to direct her strong will toward the will of the Father so that she will be a strong woman of God who is firmly rooted in truth. Jesus show her how to fully surrender her will to the Father and teach her to pray “not my will, but yours be done.”  Lord, may her grateful heart lead her to sing your praises and help her to find contentment no matter the circumstances of her life.  Amen.

1 Comment

Where I’ve been…dying to self

September 25, 2007 at 5:20 pm (Dying to Self, Humility, Maturing in Christ, Uncategorized)

I haven’t been writing much lately. I’m trying to be true to my ideals. As much as I want to spend time writing it falls further down on my list of priorities. The challenge I face is that writing and other activities I enjoy are higher up on the list of things I want to do but not necessarily among the things that I need to do during this season of my life. Therein lies one of my daily struggles; to die to myself and some of my desires in order to humbly and unselfishly serve my family and fulfill my vocation as a wife and mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I am so grateful to be home with my girls and to be homeschooling Claire. But the other side of that coin is the sacrifice that comes with being home all day with an almost four year and almost six year old. It is not the most intellectually stimulating time in my life. Just to be clear, I am not “unhappy” or “unfulfilled;”  I’m just human and sometimes I like to do what interests me most instead of doing what I’m called to do. Consequently, remaining true to my ideals can be a challenge. It means dying to self when self is in opposition to what I’ve been called to do and the internal direction of the Holy Spirit. For me that means sometimes doing the “mundane” when I want to do what is exciting and interesting. It means sitting on the floor playing with  Barbie dolls with Ella or using poker chips to play a counting game wth Claire when I’d rather sit at my computer and write or practice playing the guitar. It also means a host of other things in my life.

Almost two years ago a friend sent me a meditation on ”dying to self.” It seems like God continually brings me back to this meditation. I know he’s trying to remind me that growing in grace and maturing in him is not about “self-fulfillment” or about what I want but about being like Jesus and dying to my flesh. This is the way of the cross. It is the way of humility and it stands in stark contrast to way of the world that tells you to do what you want when you want because it pleases you most. Everytime I read this meditation  I am humbled because I see how far I have to go in my faith journey.

There is not a single area of my life that I do not struggle in some way with selfishness and pride and this meditation reminds me of that. Like my need to bite my tongue and withhold my opinions — the world can live with one less opinon from me. Or, not complaining about having to wait too long for someone to do something they’ve promised to do. Or, reaching out to someone on whom I have no real desire to spend my time. Or seeking to be “unseen” in ministry opportunities instead of seeking the visible roles that receive more glory and attention.

O how very weak I am. I thank God for his mercy and abundant grace. That is why I run to the table to meet with my Jesus every chance I get. What a gift his presence is. In his presence I am changed and I desparately need him to transform me into his image. My “self,” my flesh only produces death. I need the life that his word says is available in his body and blood. I desire to remain in him, not in the flesh. And so I find myself at his table as often as possible: “For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me” (John 6:55-56).  When I remain in him and I am filled with his life I am able to stay true to my ideals and to be who He has called me to be. And I am able to die to self.

I’ve shared this “Dying to Self” meditation with a number of people over the last couple of years. I do not know who wrote it. Over time I’ve added things to it as they’ve applied to my own struggles with “self.” I thought I’d share the meditation on this blog as well. But before you read it consider yourself forewarned: Your flesh will not like it…

*** 

DYING TO SELF… 

When you are forgotten, neglected, or purposely provoked and you don’t sting and dwell on the hurt, the insult or the oversight, but your heart is at peace, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ

–THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When your good is spoken of as evil, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, when you reach out and the door is closed in your face and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patience and with love

– THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, any interruption or any annoyance; when you stand face-to-face with folly, wastefulness, spiritual insensibility and endure it as Jesus endured

–THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any people, any clothing, any shelter

– THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good words and when you can truly love to be unknown

– THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and you honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances

 – THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

When you can receive correction, reproof, encouragement, advice or exhortation from “one of less stature than yourself “and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart

 – THAT IS DYING TO SELF. 

Dear Father, Son and Holy Spirit, bring me to a place of humility before the cross so that I willingly die to myself in order that I may live in, with and through you alone . Amen.

3 Comments

Life lived in a Distant Country

September 19, 2007 at 8:32 pm (Addiction, Freedom in Christ, Maturing in Christ, Perseverance, henri nouwen)

I do not know a single family that in some way has not been affected by “addiction”–be it the most obvious addictions like food, alcohol, drugs and sex, or the sometimes less obvious but equally entangling addictions of greed, materialism, work, prestige and honor. It is so prevalent in our society today that when one mentions the discovery of an addiction in their family tree or themselves it is no longer surprising.

It is easy to simply label many addictions as “sin” and “of the flesh” (and to be sure that is what they are). However the sin of addiction often has a complex and large root system that is in many cases wrapped around a deep need to know who we are and that we are loved unconditionally.

It makes sense that addictions are often passed down in a family from one generation to the next. If mom and dad do not understand and trust in the unconditional love of God the Father, if they don’t know who they are in His family because of the work of the cross then they cannot share this love and truth with their children. Instead they pass on their pursuit of self-fulfillment and unconditional love in the flesh to their kids. And consequently we have generation after generation lost and looking for love and wholeness in things that will never really satisfy. In his book The Return of the Prodigal Son, Henri Nouwen puts it this way:

The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love I will remain “hooked” to the world–trying, failing and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest cravings of my heart.

Addiction might be the word to explain the lostness that so deeply permeates contemporary society. Our addictions make us cling to what the world proclaims as the keys to self-fulfillment: accumulation of wealth and power; attainment of status and admiration; lavish consumption of food and drink, and sexual gratification without distinguishing between lust and love. These addictions create expectations that cannot but fail to satisfy our deepest needs.  As long as we live within the world’s delusions, our addictions condemn us to futile quests in the “the distant country,” leaving us to face an endless series of disillusionments while our sense of self remains unfulfilled. In these days of increasing addictions, we have wandered far away from our Father’s home. The addicted life can aptly be designated a life lived in a distant country. It is from there that our cry for deliverance rises up.

I don’t think Nouwen’s perspective on addiction and “a distant country” is written only about the unbeliever who is searching for Christ. No, I think he’s talking about the children of God who wander off to the distant country because we do not fully trust our Father’s will, love or provision for our life.

The prodigal son went looking for something more in life. How often do we as children of God do this? How often during the day or week do we wander from the will of our Father, from our true home, in search of another “high” in life–be it a physical experience or an emotional (i.e. the love and approval of others, success or the praise that comes with it, or vain ambitions and imaginations)? 

How often are moments of your life lived in a distant country?

2 Comments

Prodigal Son Tendencies?

September 6, 2007 at 6:23 pm (Uncategorized)

I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found. Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? Why do I keep leaving home where I am called a child of God, the Beloved of my Father?” 

The quote above is taken from Henri Nouwen’s book, The Return of the Prodigal Son. I first read this book last summer. I’m re-reading it this summer. My copy is full of yellow highlights and at least 10 pages are permanently dog-earred so they can easily be referenced (yes, I’m one of those kind of readers; every spine of every book I own is cracked and if it’s a book I like then it’s almost always full of underlined and highlighted passages).  

This particular book has challenged me in so many ways. I see myself in the Nouwen’s understanding of both the prodigal son and the elder brother. And, I see who I want to be in the way he writes about the Father.

I can identify with the quote above. I am the prodigal in many ways. I haven’t necessarily wandered away from my faith or “intentionally” turned my back on Father and the family of God. But I do see a tendency in me, a pull. The world around me offers exciting and tempting ways to spend my God-given gifts (my time, talents, treasures and thoughts). These temptations often appeal to my need to be loved, to feel important, to feel useful and productive. Some of those tempting distractions are Godly activities but they aren’t necessarily where I’m supposed to be. And yet the pull is there, tempting me to meet my needs in the flesh instead of trusting in and relying on my Father. Sometimes it is a daily struggle and I know my Father is always waiting for me convert to my heart, thoughts and my will to Him.

If I were to change this passage by Nouwen at all it would be to add a word or phrase or two. It might read like this:

I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love and my identity and worth where it cannot be found. Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love, fulfillment and peace and persist in looking for it in places, activities and people where it does not exist? Why do I keep wandering off to a “distant country” to squander my time, talents, treasures and thoughts on things I do not need and on things my Father would not approve?  Why do I keep leaving home where I am called a child of God, the Beloved of my Father?”

In what ways do you have prodigal son tendencies? Have you squandered some of the gifts the Father has given you on worldly distractions? Have you looked for love, acceptance and fulfillment in the wrong places — your work, relationships, accomplishments? Have you forgotten who you are, His beloved son or daughter, and left home, wandering off to build your identity and self-worth in the flesh? Do you know your compassionate Father awaits your return?

1 Comment

Family Tradition: Bagel Monday

September 4, 2007 at 11:57 am (Family, Family Traditions, Traditions, Uncategorized)

This week’s Tuesday’s Tradition: Bagel Monday 

***

A couple of years ago my husband left his “corporate America” job. Too many hours spent commuting and pouring himself into the the job and the lives of the 50 plus people he managed, not enough hours at home with Claire, Ella and me. He’d be the first to tell you that he dreaded Sunday nights and Monday mornings. I could see his presence slipping away on Sunday evenings as his mind drifted toward all that needed to be done at the office the next day. I didn’t know it at the time but Monday mornings were even worse. The girls would walk him to the door and Claire would say “Daddy don’t go, stay home with us” while Ella would cling to his leg. He told me later he wouldn’t even get to the car door before the tears would start. It was a happy day in our home when he decided to leave that job. It was also a step a faith because he had no other job lined up at the time.

After Scott left his job he took a year-long hiatus from the mortgage industry and ended up working with a family friend helping him to develop his computer networking business. It was then that we started a new tradition in our home, we called it Bagel Monday. Every Monday morning we’d head out as a family and get bagels for breakfast. Instead of dreading the end of the weekend and our family time we made Monday mornings an extension of the weekend and a celebration of the week to come.  In their excitement, the girls would wake us up very early on Monday chanting “Bagel Monday, Bagel Monday.” Although their wake up call came much earlier than I would have preferred it was still a much better way to start the work week!

This little tradition conjures up fond memories; like the way that Claire called it Cinnamon Roll Monday because that’s what she always convinced her daddy to get instead of a bagel. Eventually Bagel Monday morphed into Bagel Saturday which later morphed into Daddy Date Night when I needed a night off to work on a project related to a ministry we support. It will morph again and again depending on our family needs.

My hope is that the girls will always remember these family traditions/rituals and have fond memories too. As they get older (epecially as they become teenagers and young adults) I pray our traditions become ways for us “keep in touch” and ”in tune” as a family. I may be idealistic but I envision heart to heart talks with the girls over coffee and bagels; times of sharing what God is doing in their lives as well as laughing about life. My idealistic vision starts off something like this: Claire and Ella come home on a college break. They’ll probably stay up late all weekend as college students are known to do. On Monday morning Scott and I will knock on their door (much earlier than they would prefer) and chant “Bagel Monday, Bagel Monday.” 

Family traditions (and paybacks)…you gotta’ love ‘em.

***

So what’s your favorite family tradition or ritual?

2 Comments